When speaking with parents, I am often asked for the “shortcut”. In other words, cut to the chase…and tell me what really works. It’s not that we are all looking for an easy way out as much as we have a lot on our plates, and it’s not that easy to remember “The Ten Easy Steps” you just read in Parenting magazine.
You will have a better understanding of how this simple idea works if you have read about
“The Seven Key
Principles.” But if not, you can still put this to use…today!
YOU ABUSE IT…YOU LOSE IT!
What do I mean by this? I mean that you establish an environment at home, in the community, on the playground, or at the fun park, where kids understand that any abuse of that opportunity…results in loosing that opportunity.
Notice I didn’t say, “You abuse it and I’ll lecture you.”
I didn’t exclaim, “You abuse it and I’ll give the evil eye”
I didn’t even suggest, “You abuse it, and I’ll take away your TV next week.”
I am certainly not proposing that you threaten your kids with “You do that again and I will...do something really bad...you won't like it…”
NO! NONE OF THOSE!
I am clearly defining a course of action for you and your kids: “You abuse it…and you lose it.”
This simple rule helps keep you in line with several critical strategies that allow you to maintain respect, authority and a nurture responsible action with your kids.
Here’s the basis of the magic in this simple approach.
1. “You abuse it, you lose it”…discourages dialogue.
If you have been through my website, or if you’ve been reading my materials or listening to my programs, you understand how critical this is when dealing with problematic behavior.
Getting into threats, lectures, discussions, dialogue, reminders, and nagging your kids while they are acting out…is a formula for disaster. If you keep investing your energy in what you don’t want…what you don’t want keeps growing. It’s that simple.
So the “abuse it…lose it” formula discourages this kind of dialogue. It also does something else…
2. It compels you to be a parent of action.
Contrary to much of the popular press writings, your actions must lead and your words must follow. When you are a parent of action…meaning your actions are impeccable to the word that you have given your kids…your word becomes respected. So, if you operate in a home environment where your kids understand the “abuse it…lose it” rule, you’ll have to speak less often about behavior.
I promise you …stick to your guns on this and you’ll be done with those lectures, repeated reminders, and nagging your kids about their behavior.
However, in order for the formula to work…
3. The rule demands that you draw a very clear line of where “abusing it” begins.
Abuse is not the kids bickering. Abuse is not minor whining. Abuse is not a minor complaint. Abuse may not even be a heated moment between kids.
Abuse needs to be clearly defined…so you and your kids know precisely where the line is at. I suggest distinctions such as the following:
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Abuse is any violence, or hitting, or pushing.
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Abuse is any ugly name-calling, or disrespect in public.
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Abuse is any physical struggle over a toy, a game, a soda, or a ticket.
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Abuse is any violation of a friend or a neighbor’s rule at their house.
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Abuse is extensive whining or complaining that now ruins the experience.
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Abuse is not listening to a specific request by Mom or Dad.
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Abuse is anything that is clearly unsafe or dangerous to yourself or others.
Now you could…or course…add your own definitions of when the kids are abusing an opportunity, a visit, an outing, or a toy. You choose where the line is at. Just be absolutely clear with your kids about this.
When your kids understand what abuse is, then they’ll know when they are going to lose it. The rule also encourages…
4. Impeccable follow through.
This is where most of us struggle. We get “invested” in an outing…and then we compromise our integrity to have harmony with our kids.
STOP! DON’T DO IT. If you fail to honor your word…your word becomes a lie to your kids…and they now see and appreciate your vulnerability. So, what do you do?
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The kids are fighting over a toy… they lose the toy for a week.
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If you just got to the fun park, and the boys start pushing each other in line, you turn around, get back in the car and go home.
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You take the family over to a friend’s house to swim in their pool, and your son starts splashing against their rules. It’s home we go.
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Your teenager is talking on the phone, and begins to use profanity with her friends. You unplug the phone and walk out of the room with phone in hand.
These are the ways that you remain impeccable with your word. Your action must follow the rules that you set down. Without the impeccable follow through…the rule is meaningless, it’s worthless.
The goal is NOT to have the rule there as a threat. The goal is to have it there as a clear indicator of when Mom or Dad will take action. Without the action to follow, the rule has no meaning…it has virtually no value.
So you must be impeccable with your action as you follow through with this rule.
No big lecture or a lot of emotional hoopla. Trust that the consequence now needs to do the teaching…and it will!
There you have it…the simple rule of abuse it, and you lose it. It’s a shortcut that helps to keep you on track in a wide range of situations, and can help you to avoid falling in the nasty habit of repeated reminders and lectures.
As always, please email me with your success.
Best of luck with this....
Randy L. Cale, PhD
