You may be concerned that the healthy habits you’ve worked so hard to develop in your children will be lost during summer vacation.  For example, many parents work hard to implement a “work, then play” structure to keep kids on track during the school year.

Then, summer comes.  Many of you fear that the “work-then-play” structure that you established during the school year might fall apart when there’s no work to do. Besides, don’t the kids deserve the summer off? 

Yes! No! Well…. It’s not really a matter of time off; as I find most kids have lots of recreational time in the summer.  There’s lots of play, sports and vacations.  What we are talking about is not punishing your children, or being obsessive about school.  It’s about what will create responsible, healthy and successful habits with the least amount of struggle.

Let’s assume that you’ve worked hard throughout the school year to develop the habit in your children of doing their homework as soon as they come home from school.  Why?  Because this is the time of day when they can put forth their best effort and it’s before they get tired or distracted.  You’ve established a structure that automatically builds responsible behavior patterns.  Why would you then create a situation that makes life harder for your children?  Do you want them to adjust easily to academic demands when September rolls around again or do you want to go back to struggling and arguing with them over homework and cleaning their rooms?

You have a choice here.  A little effort now can make the future easier.  I suggest that you continue with “work then play, every day,” including summer days.  If you’ve read about this principle in my parenting newsletters, or in other articles on my website then you know that establishing a structure in which kids complete their work first and then play creates a pattern of success that becomes ingrained in your children.  Under this structure, you have a routine in which you no longer nag and threaten; instead, healthy behavior is automatically rewarded by access to play activities.

There’s no reason to abandon this structure during summer vacation, but you may want to tweak it for the summer.  Let’s make next September a piece of cake. Here’s how:

1.  Decide what constitutes “work” in the summer.

I believe that work includes age-appropriate tasks and chores that will either improve a child’s academic and intellectual performance or develop a sense of responsibility.  During the school year, this would typically include homework and a chore or two.  In the summer, homework can be replaced with some kind of academic task.  This could be reading (most schools have summer reading lists), studying a science book, or researching a topic of interest.  This will continue their involvement in the learning process and keep their academic skills sharp. 

Children also need to have age-appropriate household responsibilities or chores. One of my clients set up a summer routine in which her three boys picked up their room, read in an area of interest for one hour, and then helped prepare lunch and clean up afterward.  This was their work.  The rest of the day was free for play…but only after the work was checked, and everything was complete.

2.  Set up the work-then-play structure.

Tell the kids that they have to do their work before they can play.  And what’s play? Play is everything they want to do:  TV, videos, playtime with friends, ballgames, swimming, trips to the park, movies, talking on the phone, and so forth.  If the kids are at childcare or camp during the day, their work may need to be done when you all get home in the afternoon.  If you’re at home with your kids or a sitter is, they can do their work first thing in the morning.  For the three boys I mentioned above, play was going to the swimming pool in the afternoon.  In case two boys completed their work and one refused, their mother had arranged for another parent to watch the child who did not do his work.  The other two boys were off to the pool (natural consequence under this structure).

3.  Don’t nag; let the structure teach naturally.

How does this work?  Simply let the kids know that they have to complete their work, and then they may play.  Ignore them if they complain or procrastinate. Remind them (only once), “Work first, then play.”  If you have to put away the three extra phones in the house, do so.  If you have to put all the toys in another room and lock the door, do it.  If you have to unhook the cable from the TV set and the computer, or send the friends home, do it.  You’ll only have to do this sort of thing a few times, so don’t worry that this is your new life.  Kids don’t learn from nagging, but they learn quickly from the consequences of their choices.

That’s the real magic:  You’re no longer trying to control your children’s behavior. Instead, you’re allowing them to learn from the consequences of their choices.  Let them waste time, avoid their work, and get upset.  Ignore this.  Let them get thoroughly bored.  This may happen once, twice, or even half a dozen times.  If you stick to your guns, they’ll start to learn the habit.  Don’t give in, even if they miss a ballgame, a trip to the pool with their friends, or a chance to watch their favorite program.  Most kids get the message within a week.

In my opinion, it’s a significant mistake in the summer to abandon all routines related to academics and responsibilities around the home.  We’re trying to prepare our children for life, and the best way to do that is to create circumstances that will teach them what they need to learn.  The research on success and happiness clearly recognizes the importance of developing healthy habits, whether they’re eating habits, money habits, learning habits, or life management habits.  The habits of success we help our children develop will serve them throughout their lives.

Here’s to your family and a wonderful summer filled with opportunities for joyful learning and moments of deep satisfaction.  Please remember that we have tended to drift toward a society where doing more is equated with doing better…where having more is equated with being better…and where seeking more is equated with the better path.

And yet, more is not what we lack.  We have more than most people on this planet ever dream to have.

So instead, I encourage you to seek depth in your experiences rather than frantically seeking more experiences…seek depth in your connection with your kids, not more activities…and finally encourage your kids to seek depth in real life activity (hiking, canoeing, playing ball, bicycling, etc.), not more “un-real” activity that comes from playing with a box (video, TV, computer). 

Have a great summer, 

Randy L. Cale, PhD
Licensed Psychologist